This rant brought to you by Meph...

An open letter to people in general:

Dear people,

How are you? I am fine. I thought I would take a minute to write to you and clarify a few points. First off, contrary to popular belief there is not an award for exact change. So rummaging through your purse/pocket/briefcase/wallet/change purse/sack/satchel looking for pennies, nickels and dimes that add up to the change amount of your portion serves one purpose..it pisses the rest of us off. If you know before hand how much your purchase is and can get the change out quickly then great. For example, I know that the Grande Cafe Mocha I get every morning will cost $4.24 and so I remember to grab a quarter from the change jar on my way out in the morning. That way I avoid getting change back. I have my quarter ready to go when the barrista tells me the total. Quick and easy...see it can be done. But those of you who insist on making the rest of the world wait while you scrounge for coins deserve...nay...NEED to be punched in the throat. The clerk stands there like a polyester clad zombie panhandler while you double check your math and reinventory the available coins. Just because you THOUGHT you had another nickel doesn't make it so, just give up the damn $20 bill and stick the remnants in a jar when you get home.

While we are on the topic of finances, people, please stop using the phrase "What's the damage?" when you go to pay for things. It isn't funny. You just end up sounding like the single, lonely uncle at your Christmas dinner that everybody whispers about when he is out of range. The only actually damage that will be done will be to your own body when I manage to make it legal to hunt pun-sters for sport.

Another thing worth mentioning is that there is etiquette at gas stations. When you pull into the island, pull all the way up if you can. Don't slide into the nearest pump because "you'll just be a minute". If you only need a "minutes" worth of gas, then you don't need gas, so get the hell out of the way. I saw on a commercial that my truck can pull 9,900 lbs of cargo. So unless you are driving the Grandbriolet Canyonaro I'm certain I can bounce your lil car into the corner like a billiard ball. And I REALLY want to, so please don't tempt me. Also, if you could do me a favour and everybody, take a minute right now to run outside and check which side your gas cap is on. NOW REMEMBER THAT. It doesn't change. You can do this. No more pulling in then executing a perfect 47 point turn in between islands in order to turn around so you can get at the cap, which you "forgot" was on the other side.

And one final thought...if I lend you a pen don't f$%king chew on it. The very nature of lending something is with the express knowledge that I want it back. Yes I chew on my pens, but they are MY f$%king pens so I'll chew on them if I want. And if you don't like it, if you think its gross, then don't f$%king borrow my f$%king pens. You can beg for one on some other cubicle corner. But my teeth marks are not an invite for your own mastication marks. It isn't some saliva fraternity I am inviting you to.

Thank you all for listening and I know you will correct your behaviour accordingly.

kind regards,
Meph